Tag: Self-discovery

🤔 Musings on Loneliness and Grief

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

This week, I am taking a break from my posts about server-side rendering to share something non-technical I wrote recently while dealing with some intense emotions1. We do not get to choose when the symptoms of grief spend time with us, yet I am starting to see them as a gift rather than a burden. An opportunity to look deeper and peel away the intensity to see what lies beneath. This was one of those occasions. I hope that by sharing, I challenge the stigma that men face when publicly acknowledging their emotional and mental fragility and health.

One of my greatest revelations regarding loneliness has been that it requires much more than the mere presence, love, and companionship of others to be rid of it. It is such a strange prison in which to be cradled. A seemingly permanent margin between the self and everything else, yet with no obvious keeper maintaining it. A state of mind that the mind seems incapable of altering by will alone. I suspect it is a conceit, a curtain drawn on deeper emotions, much as boredom is a non-thing that we label to avoid labelling the thing, or things that are otherwise concealed.

So what is it? What does loneliness hide? A feeling of not being wanted, or worse, being unwanted? A fear of rejection? Of failure? Of accepting a failure that already happened? Grief? Is it just grief disguised as desire? Like listening to music, searching for that perfect song to fit the moment, but never quite finding it? Perhaps it is an intangible ghost of where one believes safety lies, or where it once lay.

And just as the feeling has taken me, in a moment it vanishes, lying in wait till the next time. An unease and uncertainty return. But what was ever easy and when was it ever certain?

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I am not some sort of expert, I am working things out as I go and doing what feels right for my own well-being. What you need may be different, so if you are feeling not quite right, please talk to someone. Therapy can be amazing. I myself started by chatting and ultimately breaking down in front of my doctor, but you don't have to be as melodramatic with medical professionals as I was in that moment.

You are not alone. You are not wasting anyone's time. Seek help. It is there.

If that all seems too daunting, there are online resources available to you, just a click away. Here are a few.

  1. This was originally posted to a personal social media profile; it has been edited for this blog [↩]

KalamazooX 2013

I struggle to put into words the Kalamazoo X Conference, more commonly known as KalamazooX, a single day, single track non-tech conference for techies. The difficulty is not in describing the talks, the speakers, the venue or the overall experience, describing the conference in such terms is easy; the talks were insightful and inspirational, the speakers were passionate and informative, the venue was accessible and appropriate, and the overall experience was emotionally demanding and entirely worthwhile. To describe what KalamazooX was to me, specifically, to reach deep inside and expose the raw emotions, to be open and honest about me, that is difficult.

It was the simple mantras:

It's not about you.
– Jim Holmes (@aJimHolmes)

Move the elephant. Direct the rider. Shape the path.
– Todd Kaufman (@toddkaufman)

It was the inspirational stories behind Todd Kaufman's talk on enacting change or Mike Wood's (@mikewo) talk on choices of doing the right thing, saving and changing lives, and becoming a better person.

It was the tears that welled in my eyes during Layla Driscoll's (@layladriscoll) talk on being happy, after she encouraged us to sit with our eyes closed and think about who we are. I wrote, "I am sensitive, funny, creative."

It was the encouragement from Leon Gersing (@rubybuddha) and Alan Stevens (@alanstevens) to take time out from time and reality, to meditate, and to find our inner voice.

It was the relief I felt in hearing Alan Stevens say, "you do not require approval from any external source," or Elizabeth Naramore (@ElizabethN) say, "It's okay for it not to be okay."

It was the moment I wrote in my notebook, "I feel less special than others. Is that true? Am I? Or do I need to redress my self image?" I think we both know the answer to that (though some have known a lot longer than others).

It was connecting with others in unexpected, overwhelming and assuring ways.

I do not believe for an instant that I was the only one in attendance that was deeply moved and I suspect that those who were returning attendees already knew about the impact this event can have. What a secret they have kept, hiding the true value of this event behind such dismissive phrases as "My favourite conference of the year!" and "It's a non-tech conference for techies. It's all about soft skills." Such pedestrian phrases pay no due to the experience at all. A more accurate and yet still inadequate phrase was tweeted to me by Michael Letterle (@mletterle) during this years event:

Now, you may think I'm being overly dramatic or reverent and you might be right. I have a tendency toward such things, but rather than assume that be the case, I encourage you to attend next year's KalamazooX and experience it for yourself (or at least look through the #kalx13 tweets). If, having done so, you still feel I have been exaggerating, I will concede and leave you and your cold, black heart to //Build, PyCon or whatever it is that floats your ghost ship (just playing, I'll still love you really).

To close, I thank Michael Eaton (@mjeaton), his team and all the speakers1 for putting on an event so cathartic that even writing about it overwhelms me a little. To uncover a part of oneself is enlightenment, to see that reflected in others is KalamazooX.

  1. Besides those mentioned above Suzan Bond (@suzanbond), Jen Myers (@antiheroine), Brian H Prince (@brianhprince), Jeff Blankenburg (@jeffblankenburg) and Justin Searls (@searls) all gave amazing talks. [↩]