🤔 Musings on Loneliness and Grief

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

This week, I am taking a break from my posts about server-side rendering to share something non-technical I wrote recently while dealing with some intense emotions1. We do not get to choose when the symptoms of grief spend time with us, yet I am starting to see them as a gift rather than a burden. An opportunity to look deeper and peel away the intensity to see what lies beneath. This was one of those occasions. I hope that by sharing, I challenge the stigma that men face when publicly acknowledging their emotional and mental fragility and health.


One of my greatest revelations regarding loneliness has been that it requires much more than the mere presence, love, and companionship of others to be rid of it. It is such a strange prison in which to be cradled. A seemingly permanent margin between the self and everything else, yet with no obvious keeper maintaining it. A state of mind that the mind seems incapable of altering by will alone. I suspect it is a conceit, a curtain drawn on deeper emotions, much as boredom is a non-thing that we label to avoid labelling the thing, or things that are otherwise concealed.

So what is it? What does loneliness hide? A feeling of not being wanted, or worse, being unwanted? A fear of rejection? Of failure? Of accepting a failure that already happened? Grief? Is it just grief disguised as desire? Like listening to music, searching for that perfect song to fit the moment, but never quite finding it? Perhaps it is an intangible ghost of where one believes safety lies, or where it once lay.

And just as the feeling has taken me, in a moment it vanishes, lying in wait till the next time. An unease and uncertainty return. But what was ever easy and when was it ever certain?


Thank you for reading my ramblings. I am not some sort of expert, I am working things out as I go and doing what feels right for my own well-being. What you need may be different, so if you are feeling not quite right, please talk to someone. Therapy can be amazing. I myself started by chatting and ultimately breaking down in front of my doctor, but you don't have to be as melodramatic with medical professionals as I was in that moment.

You are not alone. You are not wasting anyone's time. Seek help. It is there.

If that all seems too daunting, there are online resources available to you, just a click away. Here are a few.

  1. This was originally posted to a personal social media profile; it has been edited for this blog []

Differences of Opinion

This was originally a status post I made on my Facebook timeline, but I thought it was worth sharing outside of that walled garden. I've edited it to account for the change in context (this being my blog, not Facebook), but only a little.

I am very happy to have a lot of wonderful friends from both sides of the political fence; they challenge my thinking and I value that. I hope all my friends understand that while we may not always agree, I appreciate their friendship and their willingness to accept our differences as I do.

However, I also accept that at some point, my views may push some away, as it did yesterday when a perhaps ill-considered post on Facebook led someone to un-friend me. It is a shame when someone chooses to walk away (figuratively or otherwise), but it happens.

I disagree with many people. I may or may not believe in God though I do believe in what I was taught as a Christian. I get things wrong. I am quick to judge sometimes and act on impulse. I don't believe it is right to force spiritual and religious beliefs on others. I accept that others have different beliefs than mine. I don't know if there is a God or not, though I think not. However, I do know that if God exists, He made me this way for a reason. I believe He wouldn't appreciate the heinous things people do in His name. I believe everyone deserves the same rights for a reason, regardless of their race, creed, sexuality or personal beliefs. I believe I am allowed to question everything and accept nothing on face value for a reason. I believe no one but a woman has a right to control what she does with her own body for a reason.

It's okay to disagree with me. It's okay to think I'm wrong. It's just not okay to tell me to shut up or hide my views just because they make you uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, look inside yourself to find out why, don't look at others. They don't control how you feel, you do.

Meeting Etiquette

If you have any kind of interaction with others during your working day, you have no doubt encountered terrible, time wasting meetings. Meetings where no one seems to know what's going on, the topic meanders here and there and very little is accomplished. Badly run meetings like that are a bug bear of mine. Though I have been caught behaving badly in meetings myself (talking too much, not listening enough, etc.), I have learned to be better because a meeting is one of the most expensive, least productive parts of the day, so it's better for everyone if the meeting is effective.

What makes a meeting effective? Well, for me, an effective meeting is one where all the attendees are relevant to the discussion, there is a clear goal in mind and someone chairs the meeting to ensure that goal is achieved. To that end, each meeting should meet four basic requirements:

1. Must have a realistic agenda stating meeting structure and goals
2. Must have only relevant attendees
3. Must have proper equipment prepared and ready
4. Must have a chairperson

Agenda

Contrary to the belief of a few individuals I've worked with, the agenda does not have to take up the better part of a novel. In fact, it should be short and concise so that there's a high chance everyone has read and understood it before attending the meeting. If you make the agenda too long, everyone will show up without having read it. Of course, there's still no guarantee that even with an easy-to-read agenda those who show up for your meeting will have read it. Therefore, the first thing to do in the meeting is read the agenda aloud so that everyone present is aware of why you're all there. Also, make sure to let everyone know who is present, especially if some people have never met or there are remote attendees via phone conference.

The agenda should also be realistic. Don't schedule a half hour meeting and then cram in an hour's worth of agenda. The goals of the meeting should be achievable in the allotted time. In addition, make sure that appropriate time is set aside for starting up and closing down the meeting. You'll need time to set up equipment, introduce the agenda and attendees and review actions; there is no magic clock at the start and end of meetings so make sure you account for these activities.

Relevant attendees

We've all been sat in a meeting wondering why in the world we're there. The right thing to do in those situations is leave, but that's a bit of a gutsy move 30 minutes into your boss' presentation. The point is, if you're not adding value to or getting value from the meeting, you shouldn't be there running the risk of taking value away from everyone else. If you receive a meeting invitation with an agenda that looks decidedly outside your bailiwick, ask the organizer why you're included and consider suggesting someone more relevant to attend. It is perfectly fine to not show up to a meeting from which you won't gain anything and that won't gain anything from you. However, it is not fine to accept a meeting invitation and then not show up. Show courtesy for the organizer and other attendees by either not accepting in the first place or by giving plenty of notice that you won't be able to make it (in some situations, this may not be possible, but those situations are exceedingly rare).

On the flip-side, if you're organizing the meeting, write the agenda first and then decide who should be present. Consider what value they will add to or gain from the meeting. Consider personalities and what might work for or against the agenda (that doesn't mean you shouldn't invite people who's personalities might clash, but it does mean that you should consider it and how it may impact the discussion). Make sure that everyone on the list is on it for a valuable reason (I personally dislike the optional attendee; if someone is optional, they aren't needed by definition and shouldn't be included).

When you do attend a meeting, try to be respectful of the others in the meeting. Be assertive but avoid talking over people, shouting and other overly aggressive conduct as it can stifle discussion. Try to give opportunities for everyone to have their say. This is something that I personally have had to work hard on in my career as I tend to talk a lot and repeat myself to get my point across. I can also be quite stubborn if backed into a corner. Being aware of your own personal flaws in meetings is important, so if you don't know what they are, ask your colleagues. You may not like what you hear, but you can use it to your advantage. If you're a talker, try to talk less. If you're naturally quiet, look for opportunities to assert yourself.

Proper equipment

In my office, it is not unusual for back-to-back meetings to be organized. This is quite frankly ridiculous. Before any meeting can begin, the organizer or their appointed lackey must have opportunity to check the relevant equipment is in place and working, but usually we don't allow time for this activity. Instead, the attendees sit and wait for this activity to be completed. This is the side-effect of our Outlook-driven, half-hour block meeting organisation habits. In a perfect world, I would like the first five minutes of every meeting to be set aside for the organizer to check that all the meeting equipment is ready – that includes the room, projector, telecommunications and anything else you might need. If you need more than 5 minutes, consider booking a bit of time before the meeting for just you and the room so that you can set up. No one likes watching someone else flail with technology and it can quickly derail any meeting, so get it done privately beforehand.

Chairperson

You've invited the right people, given them a clear agenda with achievable goals and made sure all the required equipment is set up, but without an appropriate chairperson, the meeting is likely to go nowhere. Every meeting needs someone that will keep everyone else on topic and on track. The chairperson should be someone that grasps the concepts being discussed in the meeting but isn't necessarily involved. This way they can have an objective view of the discussion and spot rambling, off topic discussions and other destructive behaviours before they get out of hand. If something comes up that was not on the agenda, the chairperson can note it as an action for another time, avoiding a costly sidetrack.

You'll spot any meeting where there is an ineffective or total lack of a chairperson (they're the meetings where long pauses occur as people decide who should speak next or what topic should be discussed), whereas a meeting with an effective chairperson will often end early. By being outside of the main discussion, the chairperson is free to focus on the goals and keep track of what actions and decisions have been made. This has the wonderful side-effect of saving time; when the goals are met, the meeting is done, even if it's done early. This avoids the common situation in meetings where someone says, "Well, we've finished early, so does anyone have anything else." This phrase is a sure fire way to run over time and get nowhere.

If you've never been a chairperson, find an opportunity to give it a try. It's a great learning experience as it gives a very different perspective on a meeting

One size fits all

There is no doubt that there are other things you can do to have more effective meetings (apparently, stand-up meetings are quicker at reaching the same conclusions as sit down meetings), I am certainly no expert, so tailor your meetings to suit your specific domain. However, these four basic requirements should fit pretty much any meeting so give them a try and let me know what works for you. Perhaps you've got some tips or tricks yourself.

Humble beginnings

I saw friends do it, I saw professionals do it and I wondered, "Why don't I do it?"

Ever since I started taking part in Stack Overflow, I have been frustrated to find that sometimes, there is so much more to write than just a question, an answer or an occasional witty comment (or perhaps, more correctly, occasionally witty). Things the likes of Jon Skeet, Eric Lippert, Jeff Atwood and many other Stack Overflow participants blog about all the time, things born from hours and days spent making mistakes solving problems at home or at work, things NSFF (Not Suitable For Facebook – I like my friends just enough not to geek out in front of them like that).

But wait, there's more1

Not only did I have blog envy, but this year I started attending the Ann Arbor .NET Developers group meetings. Through AADND, not only have I met some fascinating people, but I have also learned about some fascinating things. From the .NET Micro Framework to the Windows Workflow Foundation (did you know version 4 was a complete rewrite? me neither), my mind was awash with ideas, projects and procrastination and while I tinkered with and tweeted about these things, deep down, I harboured a desire to do more and to say more. I could not contain it any longer, so here we are.

I intend to blog about anything and everything from my songwriting and recording to my DIY disasters improvisations, but mostly, I expect I will blog about programming. I hope that I'll provide some useful insight or perhaps just useful instruction so others don't have to repeat my mistakes, but most importantly, I hope that I'll learn a few things along the way.

So far in life I've been a software engineer, a strawberry picker, an ostrich farmer, a barman, a sarcastic git, a singer, a runner, a cook, an ex-pat and a gamer (sometimes several at once). I'm often amazed at the things I don't know and I'm always somewhat abstract. I saw friends do it, I saw professionals do it and I wondered, "Why don't I do it?" So I did.

Thanks for stopping by.

1it would be a short blog if there weren't