Tag: Musing

🎂 Birthday 2020

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

I know, I know, we are supposed to be talking about server-side rendering, but it was my birthday this weekend. Though for a moment I considered writing something on GitHub Actions, on reflection, I decided I would do better to hold that for a time when I can give it, too, more focus.

Of course, you might think the lack of a new technical post (and the presence of this prosaic interlude) were down to over indulgence in alcohol. It seems like a natural conclusion to draw. It is wrong though; I have not had a drink since New Year and, October, before that. Alcohol had not helped my mood while dealing with intense emotions, so I cut it out. No, I cannot blame the lack of a technical post on the drink. In fact, there is nothing upon which blame could be placed; I just did not want to spend time writing a detailed technical blog on my birthday weekend. So, I did not. If we cannot treat ourselves to what we want on our birthdays, when can we?

Since not drinking I have really struggled to work out how I celebrate things. My life to this point has the concept of celebration deeply anchored by drinking. I drank socially and, thankfully, without addiction – my drinking problem was emotional rather than physical. Whether promotion, birthday, or some other news to commemorate or celebrate, my immediate inclination has been to have a beer or perhaps something stronger. Recently, since I don't drink, I would remind myself of that and then my brain would say, "Well, smoke then." But I do not smoke anymore either – I am an addict when it comes to nicotine. Suddenly, celebration has meant reminding myself of past joys and then having to find the willpower to deny myself those things. It does not feel like celebration.

Since my birthday was not going to wait while I figured this out, this weekend, I tried celebrating regardless. Instead of smoking and drinking as I would have twenty years ago1, I focused more on love and laughter, spending time in the company of wonderful, supportive, and funny friends, old and new. The emotional turmoil of the last few months, and its associated uncertainty has meant a lot of change. This weekend was delightfully entertaining, and on occasion, awkward, uncomfortable, and entirely, humanly reassuring. Although I am still learning exactly what celebration means to me now that I am an ex-smoker and non-drinking Englishman, I still had an absolutely lovely time.

I feel so much better having shared that with you. Please do join me next week when normal programming will resume. I really value our time together and am very grateful that I was able to take some time away to spend my birthday with friends. 💙

  1. yeah, I am getting old, it seems [↩]

🤔 Musings on Loneliness and Grief

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

This week, I am taking a break from my posts about server-side rendering to share something non-technical I wrote recently while dealing with some intense emotions1. We do not get to choose when the symptoms of grief spend time with us, yet I am starting to see them as a gift rather than a burden. An opportunity to look deeper and peel away the intensity to see what lies beneath. This was one of those occasions. I hope that by sharing, I challenge the stigma that men face when publicly acknowledging their emotional and mental fragility and health.

One of my greatest revelations regarding loneliness has been that it requires much more than the mere presence, love, and companionship of others to be rid of it. It is such a strange prison in which to be cradled. A seemingly permanent margin between the self and everything else, yet with no obvious keeper maintaining it. A state of mind that the mind seems incapable of altering by will alone. I suspect it is a conceit, a curtain drawn on deeper emotions, much as boredom is a non-thing that we label to avoid labelling the thing, or things that are otherwise concealed.

So what is it? What does loneliness hide? A feeling of not being wanted, or worse, being unwanted? A fear of rejection? Of failure? Of accepting a failure that already happened? Grief? Is it just grief disguised as desire? Like listening to music, searching for that perfect song to fit the moment, but never quite finding it? Perhaps it is an intangible ghost of where one believes safety lies, or where it once lay.

And just as the feeling has taken me, in a moment it vanishes, lying in wait till the next time. An unease and uncertainty return. But what was ever easy and when was it ever certain?

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I am not some sort of expert, I am working things out as I go and doing what feels right for my own well-being. What you need may be different, so if you are feeling not quite right, please talk to someone. Therapy can be amazing. I myself started by chatting and ultimately breaking down in front of my doctor, but you don't have to be as melodramatic with medical professionals as I was in that moment.

You are not alone. You are not wasting anyone's time. Seek help. It is there.

If that all seems too daunting, there are online resources available to you, just a click away. Here are a few.

  1. This was originally posted to a personal social media profile; it has been edited for this blog [↩]