Nothing Left To Take, Track 11, Holding On

Some of you may already know from my page on Facebook that I have started recording again. Not only that, but I have finished one song, Holding On, and it is now on SoundCloud for you to hear it. Thanks to my friends and family for the encouragement and support over the years. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back into this. It takes a lot of time and effort and I have so much to learn. I hope you enjoy the results.

Holding On is the first song off my current project, an album entitled Nothing Left To Take. Please take a listen and leave your comments on what you do or do not like, perhaps even share it with your friends.

Nothing Left To Take is somewhat of a concept album in that there's a theme to the songs and the order of the songs. As I complete a song, I will add it to the set on SoundCloud so you can see it take shape. The theme will become pretty apparent I think although I am considering the idea of writing a short story to accompany the finished album.

Here is the Nothing Left To Take playlist.

Equality

First, read this and if you have access, this from Scott Hanselman (especially the comments).

Now, I don't watch Game of Thrones, I admit. However, if even half of the points raised in this article (and it's follow up) are true, it's yet another example of how we haven't really moved forward. Of how racial equality is not here yet. Heck, gender equality isn't even here yet and we started working on that sooner. Moves towards sexual equality are in progress but imagine how long it's going to take to truly have equality for everyone given our track record of being able to even talk about it.

If we are to resolve issues of equality, whether race, gender, sexuality or even culture, we have to have discourse, but the reactions to the original article and the status update from Scott Hanselman show just how difficult this is. They almost always appear to be trying to invalidate the point, affirm it or just try and ignore it. There is no discourse, no understanding.

You may well disagree with this view of Game of Thrones, Star Trek or any other example of what others perceive to be racism or other prejudice in our entertainment. Perhaps there is racism and sexism and you don't see it, maybe it isn't there at all and some are being overly sensitive, or perhaps you never thought about it until just now. I'd love to hear from my many friends who watch GoT as I have no idea, in this particular case. However, when someone says something is racist or sexist (or genderist?), rather than immediately telling them if they are wrong or right or too sensitive, try asking why. Talk about it. Fight the ignorance. You might both learn something.

Securing my downspout

I may have mentioned this before, but we made our own rain barrel and I installed it on our new patio. However, there was one outstanding task to be done that I had been dragging me heels on.

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The downspout that my neighbour and I had modified to feed water to the rain barrel was not secured to the siding, allowing it to pivot at the gutter. When the rain barrel was present, there was not much movement in the downspout, but when the barrel was set aside over winter (as you can see in the photo above), the spout would move in just about every breeze that blew. So, I stopped procrastinating and tooled up to fix it in place.

Tools

Tools for the job
Tools for the job

The tools and other items used for this project were (from top left, clockwise to center):

  • A rivet gun
  • Safety goggles
  • Aluminium bracket1
  • Safety gloves
  • 1/8" aluminium rivets
  • Drill with 1/8" bit
  • Pliers

Using the Rivet Gun

Rivet guns are kind of cool (at least I've always thought so). They allow things to be joined together from only one side, which means I don't have to get to the other side of my siding in order to rivet something to it. A rivet gun works by gripping the pin of the rivet and pulling it, causing the other end to bulge out, which holds the rivet in place. When it can't bulge anymore, the pin snaps off.

Rivet gun side-by-side with rivet
Rivet gun side-by-side with rivet
Rivet gun with rivet inserted
Rivet gun with rivet inserted
Rivet pin snapped off
Rivet pin snapped off

The Work

My intention was to match the existing approach used on the other downspouts, which was to attach the bracket to the house and then bend it around the downspout and rivet it. However, the existing brackets were all nailed to the house through the siding. I did not have nails to hand for this, so I decided to rivet the bracket to the siding.

First, I bent the bracket around the downspout. From what I know, this is not the traditional way to bend these brackets (usually, they are splayed out so the decorative arrows are flush to the siding), but I wanted everything to match up. Once the bracket was bent to fit the downspout, I drilled holes in each end where I would eventually rivet them together.

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Before I could rivet the bracket around the downspout, it needed to be mounted to the siding, so I drilled two holes in the bracket and siding for rivets and used the rivet gun to secure the bracket in place.

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Then I folded the bracket around the downspout and secured it with one more rivet.

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  1. Yes, I know it's aluminum in 'murka. []

Forgiveness

This is a long time coming. I have thought about writing this for as long as I have thought about having a blog. I have tried writing it in stories, lyrics and poems. All have fallen short somehow and I have similar expectations for this, but I need it. I need to find a way to reach myself and let myself know it is okay.

When I was a kid, I was confident. I was funny. I was naive. I was sensitive. I believed that people were kind and forgiving and that the world was safe…not such terrible things and perhaps a starting point for every child. I wasn't perfect, obviously. I was mean sometimes, I talked too much. I was snarky and loud. To those that know me, this may sound familiar. I'm still that person. Turns out you can't much help being who you are and that is just how it should be. You should be you. As Alan H. Stevens said at KalamazooX, "you don't need anyone's permission to be you". As a kid I inherently seemed to know this, but as I grew older I began desperately needing someone's permission to just be me, so much so that I lost sight of who I was because I so desperately just wanted to be liked. No, to be loved.

It all changed because I was bullied. I was beaten, called names, and ostracised by my peers and others. I was even made to think that my suffering was not worthy of help because others suffered worse than me. I don't know when it started but I have distinct and painful memories that are as strong now as they have ever been. Like when painting at nursery school and being very publicly derided by a supervisor for painting the wrong part. I am sure I messed up and I was probably not being at all graceful about it, but I was three or four, I had things to learn. And then there was the time at primary school when, after a particularly vicious break where even my friend had been participating in the name calling, he approached me and said something like, "I'm sorry, but I have to join in or they'll start on me. You understand, right?" I dutifully agreed, grateful to have a friend at all and feeling my friend's dilemma. And then there was high school, the church choir and my first job at the local pub where I was gay, smelly or the reason my sister wouldn't date someone1; I was bullied in many ways by many people for a long time, so many incidents that I could write more than just a single blog about them. Still, I do not want you to think that I am removing myself from any responsibility here. There are things I could have done to not be such an easy target (oh how I hated that phrase, "don't be such an easy target!"). I was a fat kid with a smart mouth; quick witted, cutting, but too damn slow to run away. I was certainly not street smart enough to realise the correlation and keep my mouth shut. Yet just because I perhaps did some things that enticed bullying, because I liked being the centre of attention, does not mean I am responsible for the actions of others.

I doubt my experience is unique. Many kids are bullied. Like me, they may not look for help for fear of being passed off with advice like "avoid them", "don't be an easy target", and "fight back", or because of threatened retribution by their abusers. Seeking help can be incredibly daunting, but reaching out will help and it will get better (there are links below where you can find numbers to call or email addresses)2. Eventually, we get to leave behind the petty-mindedness and surround ourselves with those who value us for who we are.

For me, that started at university. I had been there for two years and had made some good friends, but I was still lacking confidence or a sense of who I was when I decided to take a year out to get some work experience. There, I met some new people and got a chance to “reset” who I was. By the time I got back to university, I found the confidence to join a band, get on stage and sing. It was amazing and before long I had my first proper girlfriend where I didn't flinch at every moment of physical contact. I wasn't fixed, but I felt more myself than I ever had before.

You are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of being you. You are not responsible for the actions of others.

Repeat that to yourself as often as you can. I still need to repeat it to myself because even though I know it to be true, I still struggle with accepting it. I still feel responsible. I had a smart mouth. I talked back. I used words where others used fists (and still do). I was fat. I challenged. I made myself an “easy target” and I struggle to let that go. I am a victim and yet I blame myself for how I was treated more than I blame those who abused me. It makes no sense, but that's their legacy and the only way I can get past it is to face it and forgive them, and you must find a way to do the same.

For most of my life, I did not understand forgiveness. I was too angry. Too angry at myself and the world to realise what it really meant. “How can I forgive them? Look what they did to me. Look what they've done to me!” I was so wrapped up in being a victim, fighting to get my confidence back and fighting to be loved that I couldn't focus on anything else. It was making me bitter, arrogant and nasty. It was making me hate myself. It was making me a bully. In struggling to deal with my own experiences, I let it infect me to the point where I bullied others because I felt worthless and unloved. How could I forgive anyone that had made me feel this way or do these things? But I had forgiveness all wrong. Just a few years ago I learned forgiveness is not about accepting what happened as being justified or okay, forgiveness is about letting go. As I sat with my wife watching Madea Goes To Jail3, forgiveness finally made sense to me:

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for you.

The longer you hold on to it, the longer you hold onto the pain and the past and the hurt, the longer you hold yourself back from being free.

– Madea

Forgiveness is hard. I don't know if I am there yet, but I finally understand where I need to be. I refuse to justify my actions because of something someone did when I was kid, when they were hurting, trying to gain control of their own lives. These painful memories will always be a part of me — they are anecdotes when I want to relate, they are lessons when I want to help, and they are inspiration when I want to write, but it is time to stop letting them be shackles that hold me back.

I cried eight or nine times while writing this. If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said it was because I was bullied, but I suspect the real reason is that I am empathetic. It is just a part of who I am. I am also a funny bastard. A funny bastard with one imaginary kid, two cats (one with opposable thumbs and a smoker's voice) and an amazing wife who sees me as I always was.

If you are struggling with abuse of any kind, reach out. There are people who know what you're going through, there are people who love you and there are people who can help you.

National Bullying Hotline (UK): http://nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/

It Gets Better: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

  1. The real reason was that she had some level of taste. []
  2. Unfortunately, for some kids, it is too much and they give up, an all too familiar and unnecessary story. []
  3. Seriously. In fact, being in an interracial couple means I have to watch Tyler Perry movies or they revoke our marriage license. []

To A Friend

I have acted foolishly in times that demanded wisdom; I have been afraid when I should have been open, been closed when I could have been loved, and been loved when I should have been shunned. I have mistrusted when I should have embraced. I have been a good friend. I have been a bad friend. I have broken promises. I have not always done the right thing. I have made mistakes. I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I do not know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to apologise for those times I failed to help, to be there, to do the right thing. I talk about myself when I should listen to others. I apologise too much. I talk too much. I have cried alone. I have cried in love. I have cried in laughter. I have tried in spite of failure. I have laughed in spite of sadness. I have loved in spite of hate. I have tried harder than I thought I could. I have loved more than I thought I would. I have fallen down. I have got back up. I know I am not the only one but sometimes I have felt like I might be.

And through it all, you have been there. You have inspired me. You have conspired with me. You have given me the benefit of your wisdom. You have given me the benefit of the doubt. You have been an attraction when my heart was full. You have been a distraction when my heart was void. You have been a good friend. You have been a bad friend. You have been exasperating when you have been wrong and more so when you have been right. You have heard what I say, you have known how I feel and you have seen who I am. You have encouraged when I lacked courage. You have discouraged when I lacked wisdom. You have laughed with me, cried with me, walked, run, slipped and climbed with me. You have stood with me in spite of me. You have lifted me up. You have talked me down. You have fought with me. You have fought for me. You have loved me. You are not the only one but sometimes I have felt like you might be.

It is never enough, but thank you. You change my life.